4 am, Chrystie Street: I’m guzzling wine like i will the chair. 6am, glucose: I’m purchasing pancakes and gossiping at today defunct diner packed with construction industry workers and burlesque dancers.  8:45 am, the
Longer Isle
Railroad: help me to. 10am, Babylon Station: my father picks me personally upwards, and I beg him to cease at Starbucks.

“have you been frigging joking me? There is a cawffee cooking pot at your home!” He pretends becoming annoyed but he prevents everytime.

At your home, I buff out of my eyeliner, atart exercising . black colored shade and another layer of concealer, twist my personal 26 inch hair extensions into a bun right on leading of my mind, throw on black colored Spanx leggings, system footwear, black onyx earrings in the form of snakes, a maroon polo that claims HARBES FARM and a name tag that says DAYNA: BARNYARD ADVENTURE REPRESENTATIVE.

My personal journey through the canal of
downtown and medications
has come to a detailed now it’s time to start up my personal Subaru, apply Lana Del Rey, and make the Sunrise Highway entirely to my personal significantly ironic job on a farm.

Libby, a tiny white goat greets myself each morning, and employs me around when I refill the hand sanitizer and goat food dispensers for the BARNYARD ADVENTURE.

Harbes Farm lures affluent vacationers and area dwellers trying to find the perfect Instagram post with among the many following objects: a candy fruit, a pumpkin, a wine bottle, or a cider donut, with the after captions:

wine maybe not?


Pumpkin spruce and every little thing good

, or

selected top one

(place apple emoji here). On weekdays, should there be a lull from the flannel-clad teenagers and hot mothers with french manicures, after I’m completed with my tasks which include making sure the Sirius XM place is definitely updated to “family bluegrass,” I stealthily slip my notebook from my personal phony Gucci bag covered in debateable discolorations and frantically replenish my personal email, nervous to see if any editors have actually become back again to myself.

I overlook the sound for the phone ringing (What i’m saying is, which


a fucking


?) and shoot Libby a look that says “keep your snout closed.” She dutifully consumes a haphazard bit of lint off of the floor and pretends to not see me personally entering out like a junkie in the place of answering the phone. You have to pitch another publisher. The editor of an esteemed lesbian book.

Dear Publisher,

Picture the grimiest diving club you are sure that. Integrate that with the absolute most gross porta-potable potty you have ever before peed in.  Bundle that with the group which is throughout the Long Island Railroad the day for the Saint Patrick’s time parade. Grow that by a million and you’ve got The Dizzy Lizard Saloon. This is how I came across my personal basic serious sweetheart. At Hofstra college last year, we were nevertheless strong within our Jersey Shore phase—Ed Hardy shirts, bejeweled Blackberry instances, sprinkle tans. I would love to compose an
article for GO Magazine
on navigating an aggressively heterosexual area in a lesbian union. Does this seem like one thing you’d be interested in?

please kindly please or I’ll destroy me kindly

We hit deliver and before I’m able to celebrate with a visit into the PIG PEN PALOOZA, children of 5 will come in purchase BARNYARD ADVENTURE tickets.

“Hi! Thanks For Visiting Harbes! Isn’t It Time to set about your own b–”

don’t state butthole, don’t say butthole –


“PetUH,  look the good girl into the eye when she gives you your wristband.”

Really don’t care and attention in the event that you look me personally into the erect nipples, only hurry up thus I can recharge my personal email.

Eventually, some slack in clients provides me personally an opportunity to fling my personal laptop open so very hard we deliver an
acrylic nail
ricocheting in to the apple cider donut device in the process.

Hello Dayna,

I positively LOVE this idea, it has been a long time since I’ve had gotten a pitch that excites myself, very thank you so much.

Fully authorized.

My personal fingers slam into the keyboard and I almost foam at mouth as I compose the whole article in under one hour behind the register. While I developed for environment, Libby is actually eyeing myself. “Weirdo,” she


under the woman breathing and trots away. “also remember to refill the goat meals dispenser at my station,” she calls behind their, wagging their stumpy little tail, while my personal fingers nevertheless tremble over my personal laptop computer.

Once the day is finished,

I speed house or apartment with a banana and a meal plan Coke hanging off my purple Mac computer smeared
and that I’m currently taking my work top off before I walk-in the leading doorway. We throw on a latex black catsuit and douse myself in lose Dior. Dad offers to drive us to the LIRR. Like taking sweets from a child.

“What makes you usually wearing ya underwears?” he requires while he shoves a windbreaker that has been into the closet since 1993 into my arms. He stops at Starbucks after adding a fake protest. I allow the windbreaker in vehicle. Babylon to Penn Facility. Penn Station to St Jeromes. Jeromes to a “secret place.” A spray coated class coach to a warehouse in Greenpoint. Susanne Bartsch. Flashing lighting. Start bar.  I unintentionally follow Solange to her private car. I need to be back on the farm in 6 hours, but i can not withstand the siren call of this lesser eastern part. The Container. Once More.

My favorite restroom attendant, firm as ever, continues, using a tuxedo and re-filling mints in her own dark and embellished jail of fake silver and velvet, flushing lavatories and raw nostrils, high-pitched moans and low priced guidelines, cold-water and cool treatment, outdated cologne and girls, porcelain basins, porcelain skin, porcelain contours.

We are packed in similar sardines and that I can’t also begin to see the artists, that will be truthfully okay beside me. In the event the popular Rose Wood actually performing from the Box, I don’t actually care and attention what are the results on-stage. Yes, burlesque dancers might-be hot, but are they dressed as Anna Wintour and plunging their ass with duplicates of Vogue, driving around a shopping cart and throwing shit within market, emptying a condom on a rich overseas Prince, or setting off their unique knob on fire while crying blue mascara rips? I didn’t think so.

After clinking champers with hot bearded gay guys and skinny designs, my buddy Gabe whisks me personally to a “seem exhibit” which just takes on music of a car or truck crash over and over.

Lady Starlight,

dressed in a marching group outfit, idly revolves on an archive user.

If only Libby was here,

I think to my self when I see a nightclub child using hooves.

We spend my personal whole income on an Uber straight to operate from Sugar. My personal eyes beg to close off and I drink blue Gatorade while Libby judges me personally.

“no less than my buddy doesn’t hump me personally,” we snicker while I scoop their right up inside my hands. We send another pitch to visit’s publisher before turning on the Bluegrass household Sirius XM place. Basically need certainly to hear “Wagon Wheel” once more, i may leap facing a tractor. She emails me personally straight back quickly and serotonin cha-chas through my head.

After my personal ”
10 Main Reasons Why Jenny Schecter Is A Feminist Icon
” pitch is eligible, we cash my personal farm paycheck and performance on the only acceptable restaurant in my own home town. We prop my self in the club with my laptop computer, order a bottle of burgandy or merlot wine and burrata and bang back at my keyboard the way I would think about Frank Zappa would madly create a tune or a witch would cast a spell. “Los Angeles Vie En Rose” is actually playing and I also calmly give thanks to Lana Del Rey as a tear splashes from my lash extensions. We pray this will be the past time i will be eating supper on Montauk interstate in suburbia.

A couple weeks later, i am going to step to the part of an editor for 1 of The united states’s preeminent and the majority of widely look over lesbian publications. My email dings and that I browse around as though Ashton Kutcher could emerge together with the “Punked” camera crew any 2nd.

We surely sooo want to maybe you’ve write more and–actually I am not sure in case you are enthusiastic about using but we’re employing a writer/editor nowadays to join we! In my opinion you would certainly be a good fit!

Goat crap, level crap. Glitter bombs, heaps of soil. Paychecks, eight testicle. Father’s vehicle, Sophia Lamar. $15 an hour, $2k a container. Maroon polo, black colored exudate catsuit. Lighters and candy apples. Imperial mouth and pumpkin spots. Stables and visitors. Finish the bottle. Hit deliver.